A Longshot Winner, One Hit Wonders, & the Infield Fly Rule: The Albatross Cafe' Tags All the Bases 

It's the Electric Secrets variety podcast. But you can tell everybody.

Marty Merman:

Ah, don't worry, I am not dead. I am still among the living. I am a card-carrying member of the old. I got my shingles shot yesterday, and I got shingles immediately. So it worked, I guess. I am in so much pain. But I am feeling good. I am feeling happy. Despite the searing burning all over my body. I feel great. Because this is my dear moment, by the way. I am your host of The Albatross Cafe. I should maybe say that. Ah, yeah. We are here at The Albatross Cafe. This is where I have my podcast. And Ma’s got a segment coming up. And of course, Agnes. Has a segment coming up. 

But you know what? I am absolutely ecstatic. I feel like the muse is upon me. Because I went to the track this morning. And I was due. I was due for a winner. I was due for a long shot winner. And I got one. I got a winner. I got a winner, everybody. The horse's name. She was a beautiful, she is a beautiful filly. The horse's name is Bella's Elbow. Bella's Elbow is the horse's name. And she did great. She was a long shot. God, the odds were against her. But she pulled it through. She came back all the way around the pack of three other horses. And she won. And she won. And she made me a lot of money. So I said, the muse is upon me.

Hey, I’m Marty Merman. I am going to be, I just have this need. I have this need to be autistic with this. I feel so good. I feel inspired. But you know, I want, you know, I'm going to, I'm just going to say it. I'm just going to say it. You can judge me if you want. I have to write a poem. I have to write a poem about Bella's Elbow. Okay. About the horse that made me a lot of money. 

Ah, yeah. So now I am not a poet. By any stretch. I'm not a writer, nor an author. But Marty Merman, here. I've got the muse. So I'm going to use my segment. Remember, it's called “Marty Don't Surf.” I'm absolutely clueless when it comes to the Internet. But the AI, the artificial intelligence tools that exist today, are very helpful in helping you get started. If you've got something you want to do, something you want to create, you just plug it into AI, you give it a prompt. And AI spits out this thing that, hey, maybe it works. Maybe it doesn't. You can edit it, you know, you can do whatever. So I put in, I went to, I went to an AI thing, a platform. They call it. And I just put in a, you know, my horse, a long shot, Bella's Elbow. She won. And I want to write an Ode to, that's what they call it, write a poem. It's an Ode, an Ode, like a celebratory type. I want to write a poem. A poem about Bella's Elbow. And I got the prompt all ready. And I'm going to hit, I'm going to, I'm just going to hit enter here. And that's writing the poem, hey, look at this. Hey, it's a long one. Hey, good. It's not, it's not a haiku, but it's a, hey, okay. So I got to pull him here, that the AI wrote. So, hey, I'm going to read this to you right now. 

This is an Ode to Bella's Elbow, the long shot that made me a lot of money. Okay, here we go. I got to read this like Dylan Thomas or somebody, I guess.

In the dawn's soft glow, where meadows gleam, Bella's Elbow stands a living dream.

Oh God, that's beautiful.

A coat like silk, a midnight hue.

That's a color. That's like the version of the color. That's how, how red is the red, how blue is the blue. This is a midnight hue, a midnight color. Oh, it's beautiful.

Catches the light where morning dew drops strew.

It's a little, a little hard to say there, but it rhymes. It's good, it's good. Okay. Here we go.

In forks, soft mist, where shadows end, Bella's Elbow runs to Taylor's den.

Okay.

Her eyes like Bella's. Starlet, bold, ignite.

I guess the horse is like, but the, but the horse's name is Bella's. Okay.

A quiet strength yet fierce in flight.

Oh, I like that ignite and flight. Great little rhyme scheme there. What's a lot of money? Oh, oh, here we go. Little shift in mood here.

A quiet strength yet. Fierce.

I just read that damn line. Okay.

Quiet, straight, bold, ignite. A quiet strength yet fierce in flight.

Her muscles ripple.

Yeah.

Carved by mystic grace, like Bella's choice to join the vampire race.

Well,

No favorite…. 

Well.

No favorite steed. Odd are long.

Yet like Bella's will. She proves them wrong.

She flies like Edward.

Who the hell is Edward?

A sparkling blur to track her Cullen.

Her winds allure.

Through thundering strides, she claims the air, a long shot queen.

That's right.

With Bella's stare.

No gate can hold her boundless heart like Bella's love, where phasing starts.

The crowd's roar rises.

Hot's aline for Bella's elbow.

Swan's house is a sign.

A little bit labored in the meter there.

But okay.

A legend born where loves a race.

Bella's elbow smashes Victoria's face.

Who are these people? Who is Victoria? 

Well, you know what's AI? Like I said, you know, it's it. I'll give you something, and you gotta make something out of it. So, you know, this is my first foray into the literary arts. And, you know, I still feel good about it. I feel good. I think I can work with this poem and turn it into something really nice as an Ode to the horse that made me so much money. 

Oh, yeah. Okay. So I feel good. Oh, god damn, these shingles burn. 

Coming up, we got Ma. Ma's got her segment, and we will be right back after this. Albatross Cafe, Marty Merman, your host. This is the Electric Secrets variety podcast. Back in a sec.

This week on Crisis Existential, do I follow? Do I like? Do I like and follow? Do I follow first and then like? Or vice versa? What are the standards of engagement? Do standards exist? And if so, who sets them? Do I have a person, a committee, an algorithm, an influencer? If by an influencer would set standards, contradict those of an influencer of equal or greater influence? If I fail to engage, what will people think of me? If I engage too often, will I be seen as desperate? If I schedule myself to engage on Tuesdays and Thursdays, will I appear to lack spontaneity? Does engagement equal support or suggest support, or indicate support? Is support defined by an accumulation of likes or follows or both? Can interest, engagement, and support be demonstrated by a single click? How many emojis are too many? Is engagement enhanced by a string of the same emoji or a collection of different ones? And in the final analysis, if engagement remains a vague and nebulous concept, is it not then subjective and hence not obligated to adopt standards? Or is it all just bullsh**? The answer to these questions and kick-ass keto recipes. This week on… Crisis, crisis, crisis, existential ...

Alright, alright, Marty, Marty, I'm in back with you at The Albatross Cafe. Oh my God, my skin… is burning, it's harder than Satan's sh** right now, but hey, we got Ma coming up with her segment. It's been a while since she's done this one, we call it, we call it, what the hell do we call it? We call it Esther, that's my mother's name, Esther, if you don't listen to the show. My mother's name is Esther. And we call this segment “Esther's Pentagram of Profiles.” And she's gonna take you through profiles of five people, I guess, based upon a theme. So, the “Pentagram of Profiles,” take it away my... Esther Merman, here we go.

Esther Merman:

Oh my God, it's so nice to be back with everybody. This is Esther Merman, Marty's mother. And my “Pentagram of Profiles.” This episode… We are talking about the five greatest one-hit wonder artists of all time. If you don't know what a one-hit wonder is, it's one of those songs where the artist comes out with the song, and we love the song, we love it so much, it's a worldwide hit. And we love them, and then we say, play the song over and over again. And then they release a second song, and we're like, Oh, that sucks, play the first song again. Play the first song more than the second... never play the second song or any other song, but that song that was your only hit. That's a one-hit wonder. And I wonder why we don't embrace the other songs that they sing. Maybe it's because we're fickle bastards. I think we're fickle bastards as humans. So what I want to do is I want to celebrate. I want to celebrate the biggest one-hit wonder artists of all time, in my humble opinion.

So kicking us off is Anita Ward. Her Disco Anthem, “Ring My Bell.” Hit number one in 1979. It was originally written for a teen singer, but she had a very high voice, and then the grooves of the song just turned it into a global phenomenon. It sold over a million copies, it's a dance floor staple, you know how it goes. “You can ring my bell. Ring my bell.” 

Yeah. Sorry, I'm back. But Ward, Anita, she never charted again in the top 40. She kept recording like wonder artists always do, but we just can't stand their other songs. We just have to hear one song over and over again. But she kept recording. You can still hear “Ring My Bell” at weddings and different events and things like that. You know it. And it proves it proves that disco never dies, even outside the gay clubs. Okay.

Number four of our one hit, one to countdown, whatever, whatever we call it, the “Pentagram of profiles.” Norman Greenbaum's “Spirit in the Sky” from 1970. Oh, we know they bought that.

But yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah … You know it. I don't have to do that for you. He was, he was Norman Greenbaum. As you can tell, probably tell from his name, was a Jewish artist. Oh, thank God for Jewish artists. He was he, he's a she. He's not a she. He's a he. He was inspired by Porter Wagoner's gospel tune. So he blended a little bit of boogie and a little bit of blues into one of the greatest iconic guitar riffs and the hook line, of course, irony. “I got a friend in Jesus.” Yeah. He knew people would see the name Greenbaum and go, Oh, wait a minute. With a name like Greenbaum, I don't know. My anti-Semitism is starting to flare up. Oh, oh, he put a line in. “I got a friend in Jesus.” So it's okay. Okay. I'll listen to it now. My stupid Nazi ass. And after that hit, Norman Greenbaum became a sous chef, which is typical. But you know his legacy is secure with “Spirit in the Sky.” I wonder if he's if he's making a making a sauce. The song comes on the radio if he boogies down to the song while he's making his sauces. 

Anyway, number three in our “Pentagram of Profiles” of one-hit wonders. Susie Quattro with “Stumbling In” 1979. She was paired with Chris Norman, and there was a dreamy duet hitting number four in 1979. She was she was she wasn't a household name, but this is this is a soft rock gem. It's got wonderful harmonies. It became a fixture on the radio. And more recently, it was used in the limited series on Netflix about Jeffrey Dahmer. I wonder who he was eating when the song was playing. But this was the only hit that Quattro had stumbling in. It's a timeless love song that still tugs at the hot strings and probably makes you a little peckish for human flesh.

Number two, Lou Bega. “Mambo Number Five,” a little bit of dot dot dot 1999. We all know this one. I got up to number three. I did not notice Lou Bega is German, Ugandan, and Sicilian. What a combination. He was he had you remember he had his fedora and his zoot suit. And he called all the monikers and the readers a little bit of this, and it is that a little bit of Marty in my pack. A little bit of Agnes CDU. Infectious, isn't it? And he never topped the US top 40 again. But the song is pure joy. It's a it's a it's a joyful one-hit wonder and it's a cornerstone of the 1990s. And college coeds getting blackout drunk and puking all over the dance floor. So sing it. You know you want to a little bit of this and a little bit of that a little bit of who, in the black. 

Number one time for number one. You know it. You know it's going to be number one. Dexes midnight runners. “Come on, Eileen,” 1982. Oh, they topped the list. The song itself has been called “a Celtic pop masterpiece.” I don't know by who, but that's what they call it. Celtic pop. I'd never heard of that, but I guess it's a thing. It was a global sensation. Everybody knows this. It's a video on MTV, the guy with the curly hair and the overalls. Oh my God. Excuse me. And I'm back again. Great sing-along chorus. And the best thing about “Come On, Eileen” is there is nobody's eaten anybody. Nobody's eaten Eileen. And maybe doing other things to her, but .... You know, it's a great song. And you can hear it in all over the place in dive bars and listening to the townies. Sneer at it because they'd rather be listening to Miles Davis or something. 

Anyway, that is my “Pentagram of Profiles.” I am Esther Merman. I hope you enjoyed yourself. I certainly did. And we're going to take a break. This is the Electric Secrets variety podcast. We'll be right back.

Tonight on the new episode of Carney Koalas on Strike. …

Hey. Hey, the ride stopped. Hey. I'm stuck up here. Hello. Look, just, just unlock the safety bar so I can get out. Okay?

Hey. There's got to be a button on that console. I know you know it's there. What the? 

Crikey. You look hungry, mate. Here's some yummy eucalyptus delivery. Fresh from the outback. 

Please don't feed it.

Did you know Koalas can munch about one kilo of eucalyptus leaves per day?

Aren't you dead?

Carney Koalas on Strike.

And we are back once again. Marty Merman here with you. I am on fire. My mother's very happy. And we got Agnes coming up in her segment. “Agnes Explains The Inexplicable.” I think we're ready to go.

Are we ready to go?

Well, I'm going to hit the button. Is there anything I need to do before I hit the button? I'm just going to hit the button. I'm just going to play Agnes's segment. Ma, don't give me that look. I'm pushing it. See my finger? I'm pushing the button right now. You don't got anything to say, Ma! Okay, here we go.

Agnes:

Ni, how? This is Agnes. In my segment for this episode, “Agnes Explains The Inexplicable.” I will be explaining to you the inexplicable concept of the infield fly rule in Major League Baseball. As defined in the official baseball rules, Rule 5.09B7, it applies to a specific situation, and when that situation arises during a game, for the infield fly rule to be invoked, three conditions must be met.

Condition number one: runners must be on base. There must be runners on first and second based or first, second, and third base, with fewer than two outs. This ensures the rule only applies when the defense could potentially turn a double or triple play. That's condition one.

Condition two, I bet you wish you took notes. There has to be condition two or a pop-up in the infield. The batter must hit a fair fly ball, not a line drive, or a bunt. That can be caught by an infielder with ordinary effort in quotation marks. You may ask yourself, Agnes, what does ordinary effort mean? Well, I think it would mean different things to different people, but… in the rule book, it says it typically means a high pop-up in or near the infield, though the rule extends to shallow outfield areas. That's off the dirt. If an infielder can reasonably make the catch. Give me some suction in there.

Condition number three, the umpire's judgment, aw, holy hell. The umpire must determine if the ball is catchable with ordinary effort in the player. Infield fly! Before the ball is caught, all hands. Once the umpire declares this, the batter is automatically out, regardless of whether the ball is caught.

Hey, what? Hey!

Put him out, Dennis. I'm taking a kidney.

Don't I have to sign something?

I'm taking a kidney, and you can't do anything about it.

Go back to sleep. Put him out, Dennis.

Help!

Don't let...

Hey!

Thank you.

Alright!

The rules caught in field fly rules caught by miss. Is to defend? Excuse me. Is to prevent the defense. I have a lot of trouble with that word defense. Again. Backtracking. The infield fly rules caught purpose. Is to prevent the defense from gaining an unfair advantage. We don't want that, do we? Without it, the infielders could intentionally let a pop-up drop. Forcing the runners. Oh, oh! Oh, who must stay near the bases! To avoid being doubled off if the ball is caught. Into a no-win situation. Does that sound familiar, my friend?

With taking your kidney, we're going to put you in a bathtub full of ice, and we're going to give you a phone, and you're going to shut up. Oh. Until I get out of here, then you're going to call the cops.

Dennis! Knock him out!

Oh.

Knock him to tomorrow, Dennis!

Alright. Back to this.

By letting, listen very carefully. Because somebody's going to argue with you about this. In a bar somewhere in the future and you're not going to be able to get out of it. 

Oh crap, he’s heavy. Agnes …

By letting the ball drop, the defense could scoop it up and turn an easy double or triple play. The infield fly rule levels the playing field. By removing the incentive for such trickery.

Ok, going into the bathtub. 

Automatically ruling the batter out. On base! You're not being forced to advance. 

He’s going into the bathtub. Oh wait, I gotta get ice!

So, imagine this scenario.

Hi, Agnes.

Hello ma'am, get on the gurney, please.

Thanks for inviting me.

Just get on the gurney and we'll tell you what's going on.

Okay, this is a nice room.

Dennis?

Oh, there's blood on the sheets.

You know what to do.

Oh.

Thank you, Dennis.

So why does the infield fly rule exist? Imagine the scenario. The bases are unloaded. No outs. And the batter pops up to the shortstop. Without the infield fly rule, the shortstop could let the ball drop. Pick it up and throw to third base for one out. Then the second for the other. Potentially turning a triple play with minimal effort. 

You want, I should put the kidney in the cooler? Agnes.

The runners stuck near their bases to tag up. In case the ball is caught. Are at a disadvantage. The rule eliminates this loophole. Protecting the offense by ensuring the batter is out. The batter is out. Allowing the runners to remain on base unless they choose to advance at their own risk.

Which cooler? Which cooler? Agnes.

The ins-test. Dis-test-test-test-eth-a. Da-ga-ga.

Is it the empty one or the one with the Yoohoo?

Which cooler does the kidney go in? I'm putting in the blue one.

Protecting runners from deceptive defensive plays. All those deceptive defensive people. It ensures the game remains a test of skill and not trickery. Whether you're a casual fan or a die-hard. Good movie. Understanding the infield fly rule deepens your appreciation. The baseball's strategic depth.

Okay.

 This was not gottin' from a website.

My name is Agnes. This is Agnes Explains the Inexplitable. Ex-plicable. Ex-plicable. Ex-plicable. Ex-plicable. Yeah, f*** it. Bye.

Marty:

And that’s our show, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Bye. Ah. For Esther, my mother, Agnes. That's two people and not three. I’m Marty Merman, and I'm your host. This is The Abatross Cafe.

Do you have any milk? I need more some milk on my flesh. We do appreciate that you listen to us. And be sure to subscribe and all that staaaaa ... God. And we'll see you next time at The Abatross Cafe. Cheers. Anybody have an end of Jesus?

This has been a presentation of Monster Vox Productions. All persons in this podcast are fictional. Any resemblance to any person who's living or dead is purely coincidental and not intended by the creator. 

Monster Vox Productions. LLC.